Death to Pennies

I hate pennies. They are a waste of natural resources, a waste of time, a waste of effort, and (literally) a waste of money. I hold the nickel in slightly less distain, but if it were not for the penny, I would not have thought much of it. However, since I have thought much of it, and I have come up with a plan. Oh yes I have. I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. This plan comes in stages, each more dastardly than the last.

Part the First: Pummel the Penny

The US Mint stops production of pennies, and orders the return of all stock. These are melted down and turned into decorative paperweights and sold at flea markets around the nation. Pennies will still circulate, but they will become fewer and fewer.

Part the Second: Nix the Nickel

The same is done for the Nickel, except that they are made into hip flasks. These two parts will probably require an act of Congress, directing that all public transactions be rounded to the nearest tenth dollar.

Part the Third: Down with the Dollar

The dollar bill is much less profitable than the dollar coins. Their cost to produce per year of circulation is around 10 times that of the coin. Additionally, they are harder for businesses to count. Get rid of the stop pressing dollar bills and ramp up the production of dollar coins. This is the part of the plan that will encounter the most objections. Or is it?

Part the Fourth: Create Coinage

Why, in the name of all that is holy, do we not have a $5 coin? That has GOT to change. While we are at it, let's start minting $2 coins. This will be the longest part of the plan, since it will take years and years to come up with a design that people can live with. Feel free to leave design comments below.

Part the Fifth: Vi veri universum vivus vici

Once we have a $2 and a $5 coin, stop printing the bills. Oh, I can hear the howling echo back through the ages. SUCK IT UP AND DEAL! This is for the good of the nation. Give up the bills or the Terrorists win! Your Grandparents seemed to do just fine with no bill smaller than $10 (equivalent value), and you can too.

P.S. How is it that we live in a nation that can take the ugliest money in the world, spend millions redesigning it, and make it UGLIER!